quotes :)

At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: "My dad owns a liquor store." - Mark Klein

I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. - Brian Kiley

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh!" - Conan O'Brien


I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. - Bob Ettinger

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' - Paula Poundstone

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. - Paul Rodriguez

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? - Warren Hutcherson

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? - Marsha Warfield

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller

Men look at women the way men look at cars... Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons... - Tim Allen

If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. - Tim Allen

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see it shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. - Tim Allen

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in. - Rita Rudner

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked... - Bill Cosby

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. - Dick Cavett

:) :) :)

Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language. - Caroline Rhea

The problems

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!"
Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!"
The bartender looks confused.
This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man
 "When are you going to pay for these beers?"
The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

The Appreciated Gift

Four Jewish brothers left home for college, and they became successful 
doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after 
having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to  
give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. 

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." 

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the  
house." 

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a 
chauffeur." 

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the 
Torah and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very  
well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot that can recite the 
entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to 
pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple, but it  
was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the 
parrot will recite it." 

The other brothers were impressed. 

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: 
 "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have 
to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." 

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries 
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a Nazi.  
The thought was good. Thanks." 

"Menachim, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could 
hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and 
I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the  
same." 

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a 
little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."