Married ?

Best on Marriage & Wife! by some Great Personalities and ordinary 
people  



I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must 
be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.  
- David Bissonette

===================================================


When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him 
keep her. 
- Sacha Guitry
=================================================== 

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just 
can't face each other, but still they stay together. 
-- Hemant Joshi
===================================================


 By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get 
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 
-- Socrates
===================================================


It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get  
MARRIED!
===================================================


A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives 
and the wife takes.
=================================================== 


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. 
-- Dumas
===================================================


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What  
does a woman want? 
-- Freud
===================================================


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

=================================================== 
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to 
a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music 
and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." 
- Henry Youngman
===================================================


"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
- Sam Kinison
=================================================== 


"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than 
electronic banking. It's called marriage."
- James Holt McGavran
===================================================


 "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the 
second one didn't."
- Patrick Murray
===================================================


It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get  
married!
===================================================


Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would 
have preferred.

=================================================== 
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
===================================================

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.  
-- Nash
===================================================


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it 
once..
===================================================

 
My wife only has 2 complaints. Nothing to wear and not enough closet 
space.
===================================================

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. 
-- Henny Youngman 
===================================================


My wife and I were happy for twenty years. 
Then we met. 
-- Rodney Dangerfield
===================================================


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's 
wrong. 
-- Milton Berle
===================================================

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. 
-- Anonymous
=================================================== 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife
wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They
all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
=================================================== 


First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy "You're lucky, mine's still alive." <-- 
================================

:)

Ek din, main Delhi pahuncha, 
Station pe ek coolie se bahar jane ka rasta pooncha, 
Coolie ne kaha "bahar jaake poocho." 

Maine khud hi rasta doondh liya, 
Bahar jaake taxiwale se pooncha,  
"bhai saab Aagre ka kitna loge?" 
jawab mila, "bechna nahi hai.." 

Taxi chod, maine bus pakad li, 
conductor se pooncha, "ji. kya mein cigarette pi sakta hoon?" 
wo gurrra kar bola, "hargiz nahi, yaha cigarette pina mana hai."  
Maine kaha, "par wo janab to pi rahe hai!" 
Phir se gurrrraya, " usne mujhse pooncha nahi hai." 

Aagre pahucha, hotel gaya. 
Manager se kaha, " mujhe room chahiye, satve manzil pe."  
Manager ne kaha, "rahane ke liye ya koodne ke liye?" 
Room pahucha, waiter se kaha, "ek paani ka gilas milega."! 
Usne jawab diya, " nahi sahab, yaha to saare kanch ke milte hai." 
 
Hotel se nikla dost ke ghar jaane ke liye, 
Raste me ek sahab se pooncha, 
"janab, ye sadak kaha ko jaati hai?" 
Janab hans kar bole, " peechle bees saal se dekh rahan hoon, yahi padi 
hai....kahin nahin jaati"  

Dost ke ghar pahucha, to mujhe dekhte hi chownk pada 
Usne poocha, "kaise aana hua?" 
Ab tak to mujhe bhi aadat pad gayi thi, 
Maine bhi jawab diya, "Train se.." 
Meri aaobhagat karne ke liye dost ne apni biwi se kaha,  
"areeee sunti ho... mera dost pehli baar ghar aaya hai, uuse kuch taja 
taja khilao..
" sunte hi bhabhiji ne ghar ki sari khidkiya aur darwaje khol diye. 
Kaha, "taji hawa kha lijiye." 
 
Dost ne phir se badi pyar se biwi se kaha, 
"areeee sunti ho.! ..inhe jara apna chalis saal purana aachar to 
dikhana." 
Bhabiji ek batli me rakha aachar le aayi, 
Maine bhi apnapan dikhate hue bhabiji se kaha,  
"bhabhiji, aachar sirf dikhayengi, chakhayengi nahi....?" 
Bhabiji ne taak jawab diya, 
"yuhi agar sab ko chakhati to aachar chalis saal purana kaise hota..?" 

Thodi der baad dekha, bhabiji apne grandson ko soola rahi thi,  
Saath me lori bhi ga rahi thi, "diploma so ja, diploma so ja." 
Lori soon mein hairan hua aur dost se poocha, "yaar ye diploma kya 
hai?" 

Dost ne jawab diya, "mere grandson ka naam,  
Beti bambai gayi thi, diploma lene ke liye aur saath mein ise le aayi, 
isiliye hamne iska naam diploma rakh diya." 
Phir maine pooncha, "aajkal tumhari beti kya kar rahi hai?" 

Dost ne jawab diya, "bambai gayi! hai, degree lene ke liye" 

bolo ta ra ra ra*...

A policeman was interviewing 3 SARDARS who were
getting trained to become detectives. To test their skills in
recognizing a suspect, he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and
then hides it.
 
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first SARDAR answers, "That's easy, we'll catch
him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the 
picture I showed is his side profile." 

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he 
flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR
and asks him,

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" 
The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says,
"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter
with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because 
it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come
up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the
picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks, 

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before 
giving me a stupid answer."

The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment
and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he
really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.  

"Well, that's an  interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while
I check this file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the
suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on 
his face. 
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact
wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an
acute observation?"

"That's easy," the SARDAR replied. "He can't wear regular glasses 
because he only has one eye and one ear."

bolo ta ra ra ra*...

Echoing sentiments for the MEN...njoy!!

I know u will agree every word mentioned here.........


Thought1:

When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers. 
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. 

When we die, our widows get the life insurance.

What do women want to be liberated from?


Thought 2:

The average man's life consists of -
twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going; fortY  
years of having his wife ask the same question;and at the end, the mourners 
wondering too.


Thought 3:

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind: u 
take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." 

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was 
astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. 
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand 
still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will  
die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came
careening around the corner, barely missing him.

Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" 

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh, yeah?" the man  
asked.."And where the hell were you when I got married"

Dear Mr Bill Gates,

Dear Mr Bill Gates, 

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer 
for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your 
notice. 

After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and  
whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column,only ***** 
appears,but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we 
face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor  
Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because 
of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to 
check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

 We are unable to enter anything after we click the shut down 
button.There is a button 'start' but there is no stop button. We request you to 
check this. 

We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run' has  
ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to sit so that we 
can click that by sitting.

One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 
're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home. 
Also there is 'Find' button but it is not working 
properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the 
key with this 'find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug?? 

Thanks, 

Banta Singh  

Punjab

Drunk

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up 
to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. 

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled 
outside.  

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. 

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." 

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. 

 "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. 

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" 

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

Hello

Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill.
"Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery. I just burried my 
mother-in-law" replied Jim.
"I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?" 
"It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"

prescription

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some 
cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. 

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't 
give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose 
my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad  
things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her 
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife

the pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well you never  
told me you had a prescription"

mystery-lover

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but 
his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage.
The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery 
 and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. 
However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I 
have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get  
me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a 
large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, 
hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until  
curtain, he finds an unused ticket of the second row.

Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, "Follow 
me."

The usher leads the man down to the second row and proudly points out  
the empty seat right in the middle.

"Thanks so much," says the theatergoer, "This seat is perfect." He then 
hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The  
butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick."

business is business

One day many years ago at a school in South London a
Teacher said to
the class of 5-year-olds, 
" I'll give Pounds 20 to the
child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived." 
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand, up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
 The
teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either. Finally, 
a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It
was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jignesh, 
come up here and
I'll give you the Pounds 20." As the teacher was giving
Jignesh his money,
she said, "You know Jignesh, since you're Gujarati, I was
very surprised
you said Jesus Christ." 
Jignesh replied,"Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord
Krishna, but
business is business!"

Essay

Write an essay which contains factors religion, sex & mystery.
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Oh my god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it!

Enjoy some Classic Definitions & Cool Meanings:

1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with
fire at one end & a fool at the other.



3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses
his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master 


5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from
the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students
without passing through "the minds of either".

6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by 
the number present.

7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a
way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine
will-power is defeated by feminine water-power .. 

9. Dictionary : A place where divorce come! s before
marriage. 

10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

You Can Do It

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to

 spade his potato garden, but it was very hard

 work.

 His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man

 wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:



 Dear Son,

 I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to  plant my potato garden this year.

 I  hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved

 planting time. I'm just getting too  old  to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles

 would be over. I know you would  dig  the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

 Love,

 Dad



 Shortly, the old man received this telegram: "For Heaven's sake,

 Dad, don't dig up the garden!!

 That's  where I buried the GUNS!!"



 At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police

 officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any

 guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling

 him what happened, and asked him what to do next.



 His son's reply was: "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's

 the best I could do for you  from  here."



 Moral:

 No Matter Where You Are In The World, If You Have Decided To Do

 Something Deep From Your Heart You  Can   Do It. It Is The Thought That Matters Not Where

 You   Are Or Where The Person Is.

God

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.
As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.
They talked about so many things and various subjects. When they
eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't
believe that God exists."

"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.

"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God
doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick
people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would
be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would
allow all of these things."

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he
didn't want to start an argument.

The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after
he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy,
dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt.

The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said
to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."

"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I
am a barber. And I just worked on you!"

"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they
did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed
beards, like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! " answered the barber. "What happens, is,
people do not come to me."

"Exactly!"- affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES
exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for
Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

College Grads.....

College Grads.....

At the urinal two white guys and an Indian were standing side by side. 
The first white guy finished and zipped his pants up and started to 
wash his hands.....Clear up to his elbows he then used about 20 paper  
towels before he was done. He then turned to the other two guys and said "I 
graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be 
clean" The second white guy finished by quickly wetting his finger tips and  
grabbed one paper towel and said "I graduated from the University of 
California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." the 
Indian guy was about to just walk out the door when he said "I was taught  
long, long ago by a wise elder not piss on my hands"

Actual quotes from (actual) Texas politicians:

* "I am filled with humidity."
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

* "If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin'
rights on that man's head."
- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing 
President George Bush's policies

* "If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even
dicier to listen..."
- Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower

* "I move we recess to go outside and throw up." 
- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing

insult

An Amis woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's 
the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear 
of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The  
driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell 
him to fuck off , go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Dan Brown

Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone: "The book is everywhere. There is a very 
real risk that many people who read it will believe that the fables it 
contains are true."

Dan Brown : Is he talking about "The Da Vinci Code" or the Bible? 

Deer hunting

2 Lakota guys and a dude from New York are on a hunting trip. On the 
first day, one Lakota goes out, and less than an hour later returns with 
a deer. The guy from New York is blown away. "How did you get your deer  
so fast?!" "Easy" says the Lakota guy, "I looked for tracks, found 
them, followed them, and got my deer." 
The next day the 2nd Lakota guy goes out, and less than an hour later 
returns with a deer. The guy from New York is blown away again, just  
flabbergasted. "How did you get YOUR deer so fast?!" "It's simple" says 
the Lakota guy, "I looked for tracks, found them, followed them, and 
there was the deer."
On the third day, the New York guy goes out. He doesn't return, and  
when darkness begins to fall, the two Lakota guys go looking for him. They 
found him lying at the base of a hill, bloodied up, clothes torn, and 
bones broken. "What happened to you?" they asked. "I did just what you  
told me to do, I looked for tracks, found them, followed them, and the 
damn train ran me over."

MONTANA DEPARTMENT OF FISH AND GAME ADVISORY ON BEARS

Helena Montana, January 31, 1999 - In light of the rising frequency of 
human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game 
is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and  
keep alert for bears while in the field. "We advise that outdoorsmen 
should wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle 
bears that aren't expecting them," a spokesman said. "We also advise  
outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a 
bear".
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. 
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and  
grizzly bear paw prints and scat.
A grizzly's paw is larger and its claws are longer than that of a black 
bear. Black bear scat contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. 
Grizzly bear scat has little bells in it and smells like pepper.   

COLD WINTER!

The Blackfeet asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to 
be cold or not. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replies that 
the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were  
to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the nearest phone booth and called 
the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" 
The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold  
indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood 
to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service 
again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" 
"Yes," the man replied, "its going to be a very cold winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find
every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the  
National Weather Service again and asks "Are you absolutely sure, that the 
winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Blackfeet are collecting wood like 
crazy!" 

Friendship - It means different to Men and Women

Friendship among women:

A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband
she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best
friends.  None of them know about it. 

Friendship among men:

A man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he
slept over at a friend's house.  The woman calls her husbands 10 best
friends.  Eight of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still 
there.

Why Men Get Out Of Bed

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the 
middle of the night:



- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.



- 12% said it was to go to the toilet. 



- 83% said it was to go home.

Italian Mafia

You Gotta Use The Righta Tools For The Job

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed 
Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 
automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't  
like guns, how about you leaving me your  Rolex watch instead.



You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina 
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od  
bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with 
another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 
"TIMES UP"?

Feeling Guilty

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must 
help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, 
I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and  
depressed for a week."



"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to 
strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."



"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I  
won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. The new 
CEO is determined to rid the company of all unproductive workers.



On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a young chap leaning on a  
wall and relaxing. The room is full of workers who were busy working, 
except for this guy. The CEO decides to let his staff know that he means 
business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do  
you make a week?"



A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make 
$300.00 a week.........Why?"



The CEO then hands the guy $600 in cash and screams, "Here's two weeks'  
pay,now GET OUT and don't come back!"



Feeling pretty good about having fired his first worker, the CEO looks 
around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me which department 
that worker belonged to?" 



















With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He is the 
Pizza delivery guy from Dominos'.

Santa's ferrari:

Santa singh shows up at his friend Banta Singh's Place in a Brand New -
Red Ferarri.
Banta: Wow Banta, ke gaddi hai (What a car)Kithon laiye (where did you
get it from)
Santa:Main highway te lift mung reha se ... Gori Mem aaee te meine  
kende
"want a ride Mr. Singh" I hopped in, and she took me to the woods. Once
in woods she got outside took off clothes and said to me "Mr Singh. 
take
anything"
Banta is quite excited and asks "tu ke keeta Santa " 
Santa: Mian gaddi lai layee. (I took the car)
Banta: Changa keeta kapde tenu fit bhi nahi aane se (good showyou
wouldn't have fit into her clothes).

The Chain saw:

An Indian who just came from India walks into a hardware store and
asks to see the chain saws. Picking up one, he asked the store clerk,
"How many trees will this one cut in an hour?"
"Oh, that one will cut about five good sized trees in an hour," 
replied the clerk.

"What about this one?" asked the Indian.
The clerk replied, "That's an intermediate model which cuts around ten
trees."

"And this one?" asked the Indian. 
"That's our best model. It should cut at least 20 trees in an hour,"
said the clerk

"I'll take it!" said the Indian.
Two days later, the Indian returns to the store and angrily states, 
"Hey, this saw is terrible. I could only cut three trees in one hour
with it!"

The clerk says, "Gee, I don't understand that. This is the best
chainsaw we carry. Wait a minute while I check it out." 

The clerk pulled on the starter rope and the saw immediately activated
with a loud roar.

'Hey," said the Indian, "what's that noise?"

IT'S SUPERDRUNK!

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the 
city. He's slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes 
over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him  
couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised 
when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into 
the bar and sits back down next to him.

The astonished guy asks, "How did you do that???? I just saw you jump  
out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!"

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a 
shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me  
slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch."

He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out. The 
other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right 
before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few  
minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he 
drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he 
doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! 

The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to 
him," You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

HELL ENGINEER

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now."

Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right... and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"