My friend Sandy knocks on the door of an 'Exclusive' Brothel.

Through a small window, the Madam asks, "What can I do for you, Sir?"

"I'd like to get Screwed" answered Sandy

"This is an Exclusive Club," she explains.

"To join, you must slip $1000 under the door."

Sandy does so, but the door doesn't open.

So he knocks again and the Madam re-appears.

He says, "Hey! I said, 'I'd like to get screwed'"

The Madam: "Again ??"

Limerick.

Come all ye fair young maidens, harken unto me!
Never trust a cricketer,
whoever he may be.

Randier than a sailor
who's been six months at sea,
Never let a cricketer's hand
an inch above your knee.

First let's take the paceman,
pure speed from first to last,
My darlings do be careful;
his balls are hard and fast.

Then there's the medium pacer,
his balls swing either way;
He's really most persistent
and can keep it up all day!

Watch out for the off-spinner girls, another awkward chap.
If you leave him half an opening,
he will slip one through the gap!

Then there's the wily 'slowy',
pure cunning is his strength;
He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length.

So ladies, do be careful,
your mothers would agree.
Never trust a cricketer,
whoever he may be.

And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease!
He has only one ambition,
to spend all day at the crease.

The number three is a dasher,
he seldom prods and pokes.
When he goes into action,
he has a fine array of strokes..

And do beware the slogger,
not content with one or two;
When he arrives at the crease
then only six will do.

Then there's the real stonewaller.
Girls! he knows what he's about;
And if you let him settle in,
it's hard to get him out!

We come now to the last man,
I hope this will not shock,
He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock.

So, darlings, do be careful,
and be well warned by me:
Never trust a cricketer,
whoever he may be.

And watch the wicketkeeper.
Girls! he's full of flair and dash;
And if you raise your heel,
he'll whip them off in a flash.

If you take the field with the capt'n, you had better know the score;
Or he'll have you in positions
that you never knew before!

The cricket commentator
is a nasty sort of bloke,
He watches all the action
and describes it stroke by stroke.

Even the kindly umpire,
who looks as friendly as a pup;
You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up!

So, darlings, please remember
and repeat it after me:
“NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAY BE!!!!!”

Does Padman qualify as a period movie, or is it just a bloody waste of time?
Some say its very absorbing , however there is a whisper in the industry that it won't run for more than 5 days...

Me and a friend were walking through a store and came across toilet paper with Trump’s face on it among a large group of similarly hilarious gag gifts. While the thought of wiping my ass with his face amused me I was still semi-indifferent to the existence of it, until my friend picked it up, looked it over and said
“This is terrible business practice.”

I was kind of taken aback by this assuming that my friend was gonna say something about respecting people in power or something along those lines,
but I kept my cool and simply asked  “How so?”

“Why would you sell toilet paper with shit already on it?”

I roared with laughter and didn’t stop until people started giving us looks.

😅😅😅😉🤔

A Drunk Parsi Bawaji farts loudly in a restaurant.

British Man sitting at the next table gets very angry and says

"Excuse me, you have no decency. You farted before my wife"

Parsi Bawaji : "Sorry, I did not know it was her turn!!!!!!"🤣🤣🤣😅

An Indian Lady visited a Bar🍺 for the First Time.

She was nervous but sat on one tall stool in Front of the Bar Tender..

the Guy sitting on her Left said: "Jack Daniels, Single"

the Guy on her Right Side ordered: "Johnny Walker, Single"

now the Bar Tender Looked at the Lady & said: And You..??

Lady replied: "Savitri Deshpande, Married.😂🤣😜😅😉

Red Indian training.

A Red Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee.'

The waiter says, 'Sure chief, coming right up...'

He gets the Red Indian a tall mug of coffee..., and he drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning he returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, 'Me want coffee?'

The waiter says, 'Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?'

He smiles and proudly says, 'Me training for top management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot some crap, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of the day

Your favorite superhero is a .NET programmer

Your Favourite super hero

• Can force garbage collector in your PC to clean your Office Room.
• Doesn't follow any coding standards . All coding standards follow him.
• Can run .NET exe on any platform like Mac , Linux, Unix , Windows ,Mobile etc and not the least Railway platforms too .
• Can solve the bug just by staring it . The Bug should lose or he might use the Spray(HIT) to kill the Bug.
• Can override a sealed function / variable.
• Can make a class abstract and sealed both at same time.
• Doesn't get any compiler errors, the IDE will abide by him.
• Can make a variable of type float to float in the water .
• Can access all the private data of the class.
• Creates Array of infinite size because he doesn't have any boundaries
• Can code without computers
• Can return a value from a void functions.
• Can use the Binary Search Algorithm and get it to work even on the unsorted Data .
• Can delete the Recycle bin
• Never uses "try" on the code, he will directly "catch" the exceptions.
• Can divide by zero.
• Can create a integer variable and assign infinity as value .
• Can use the Blue screen Error in Windows when the computer's brightness is higher and can revert it back immediately with touch.
• Can type in without pressing escape key . Infact his keyboard doesn't contain one . No one can escape from him .
• Can write code that optimizes itself.

--
Regards,
Kuldeep Verma
http://kuldeepverma.blogspot.com/

Do you know, Why the recession happened!

 

*A naked and drunken woman boards a cab in London one night.** ** The Indian driver keeps staring and does not start the cab.** ** Woman: Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before???** ** Indian Driver: I am not staring at you lady..... just wondering where you kept money to pay me!** ** Moral: That is what most of the American and European banks failed to do (i.e.) Assessing repayment capacity before taking exposure!!*

--
Regards,
Kuldeep Verma

some more

A man joins a Tibetan temple. He takes a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every year.

After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket, and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says, "More blankets."

Another year passes, and he visits the head monk and says, "More food."

The man goes through one more year eating good meals and sleeping well, but he's drained by the long work days. He calls on the head monk and uses his two words to say, "I'm leaving."

"Good," the head monk replies. "You've done nothing but whine since you got here."

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A man was invited to a friend's home for dinner, where he noticed that his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, calling her honey, darling, sweetheart, pumpkin, etc. He was impressed at this, since the couple had been married over 50 years.

While the wife was in the kitchen, he said, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy shrugged, lowered his voice and said, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

--
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Polish

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Hey, you wanna hear a great Polish joke?"

"Listen, pal," the guy replies. "I'm Poland's kick-boxing champion. My two friends here are both world-ranked judo masters, and they're Polish, too. Now, you still want to tell that joke?"

"Nah," the man replies, "I don't feel like explaining it three times."

----------------------------------------------------------

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me!"

"Bring them along!" said the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."

"But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!" he answered.

"Bring them, as well!" answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall!"

--
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Fun liners

Q: Why are blondes so easy?
A: Who cares.


Q: What is the hardest thing about roller-blading?
A: Telling your dad you're gay.

--
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Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

--
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Ladies

A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the medical staff.

A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet, and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and confers with another man in a white coat. The second man then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.

When a third man approaches her, she asks impatiently, "These examinations are fine, but when are you going to start the operation?"

He shrugs and says, "Your guess is as good as mine, lady. We're just here to paint the halls."

--------------------------------------------

An attractive, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?"

"Ma'am," he answers, "If you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap when you hear the price!"

--
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killing joke.

Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off."

"I know the feeling," the other says.

"No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."

--
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Laxatives cure cough ?

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall, with a very strange look on his face. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.

"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once."

"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.

"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He's too afraid to cough."

--
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The talking clock.

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand-new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's actually a talking clock."

"You're crazy. Show me how it works then!"

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake…it's 3:30 in the goddamn morning!"

--
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Bhav to karna padta hai.

A man walks up to a woman and asks, "Would you sleep with me for $1,000,000?"

She quickly replies, "Yes."

So then he asks, "Would you sleep with me for $20?"

Astounded by the question she says, "Of course not. What kind of woman do you think I am?"

He says, "Well we've already determined that. Now I'm just working on the price."

----------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a bar and sees a miniature man sitting on a table playing a miniature piano.

He's fascinated and watches the man play for a few minutes, then asks the bartender, "How did you find such a tiny man to play the piano?"

The bartender replies, "I found a lamp with a genie in it who granted me one wish."

"And you asked for a 10-inch pianist?"

"Well, not exactly."

--
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its raining jokes

Two strangers, a man and a woman, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they are tired and fall asleep quickly—he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1 a.m., the man leans over and gently wakes the woman and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," the woman replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

"Wow! That's a fantastic idea!" he exclaims, with a huge smile on his face.

"Good," she replies. "Now, get your own damn blanket!"

------------------------------------------------------------------

A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.

The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a proposition. "Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?" he asks.

The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: "First, I don't want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this." The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.

"Well," says the janitor, "I'm gonna need about a week to come up with the $500."

------------------------------------------------------------------

A little old lady answered her doorbell and saw a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!"

As she closed the door, the young man quickly wedged his foot in the door and pushed it open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

--
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Been doing this.

A hiker gets lost in the woods and spends the next three days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating it raw.

A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the hiker for killing an endangered species.

In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.

"Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty," says the judge. "But I have to ask—what did the eagle taste like?"

"Well, your honor," the hiker says, "if I had to describe it, I'd say it tasted something like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."

--
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Sachin patrekar

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What's country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and rolling around on the ground. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."

The farmer grins. "Forget it, you win. Keep the duck."

--
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Live to enjoy

A 60-year-old man is getting his annual physical.

"Doc, do you think I'll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?" he asks.

"That depends," says the doctor. "Do you smoke?"

"No." "Do you drink?" 

"No."

"Do you fool around with loose women?"

"Of course not." 
"Well, then," says the doctor. "Why the hell do you want to live for another 40 years?"

--
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jokes are back

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a cab driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Wanna go ride bikes???

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Bill and his father are out fishing and drinking beer while discussing football and NASCAR.

All of a sudden Bill says, "Dad, I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."

His father, silent for a moment, slowly takes a sip of his beer and says, "Son, you better think it over; women like that are hard to find."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde, looking to earn some extra money, decided to offer her services as a "handy woman" and started canvassing an affluent nearby neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $100?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "She was just up here, how could she have missed it?"

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $100 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."

--
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http://www.haf.republika.pl/cCojNQiHV9.html