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American Soldier

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from
several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally
been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was
very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for
an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed
middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier
asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and
said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my
little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing
the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not
only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the
little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the
empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and
chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir,
you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You
eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the
wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out
the window."

Some Things You Just Can't Explain!!

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered. A man
came in and asked the farmer, 'Hey, why are you sitting here on this
beautiful day, getting drunk?'
The farmer shook his head and replied, 'Some things you just can't
explain.'
'So what happened that's so horrible?' the man asked as he sat down
next to the farmer.
'Well,' the farmer said, 'today I was sitting by my cow, milking her.
Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked
over the bucket.'
'Okay,' said the man, 'but that's not so bad.'
'Some things you just can't explain,' the farmer replied.
'So what happened then?' the man asked.
The farmer said, 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the
left.'
'And then?'
'Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the
bucket 'bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.'
Man laughed and said, 'Again?'
The farmer replied, 'Some things you just can't explain.'
'So, what did you do then?' the man asked.
'I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.'
'And then?'
'Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the
bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her
tail.'
'Hmmm . . . ' the man said and nodded his head.
'Some things you just can't explain,' the farmer said.
'So, what did you do?' the man asked.
'Well,' the farmer said, 'I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my
belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked in . . .
Some things you just can't explain.'

TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE

10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the **** did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the ****ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those ****ing Indians come from?" - Custer,1877
6th - "It does so ****ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5th - "Where the **** are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any ****ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the **** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a ****ing hole in the head!" â€"
JFK,1963
And the number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word...
"Aw c'mon. Who the **** is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, 1997

Hungry

A man was walking down the street, when he was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man, who asked him for
a couple of
pounds for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two pounds and asked, "If I gave
you this money, will you buy beer with it instead?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can
get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on football instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you BLOODY NUTS?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't watched
football in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two pounds. I'm going
to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you
for doing that? I'm very dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's okay, mate! I just want her to see what a man
looks like who's given up beer, gambling and football."

A GUJJU SPESAL !

Q) Why did George Bush had the gujju beaten?
A) The gujju told George Bush "You are an IMPOTENT man"

Q) Why won't the gujju jeweler sell anything to the UP ka bhayiya?
A) The bhayiya kept giving gujju a bunch of hair each time the gujju
asked for KESH.

Q) What will a Gujju tell a tomato, coming last in a tomato race?
(in case of one)
A) Tomato KETCHUP.

Q) Why did the gujju go to Rome ?
A) He wanted to listen to POPE music.

Q) Why did the gujju go to London?
A) To see BIG BEHN.

Q) What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES
ma gayon" ?
A) Ramesh's son failed in statistics...

Q) Why was the gujju stacking up 1 cent coins on the day before
exams ?
A) He wanted to get "cent-par-cent" .

Q) What did the Gujju have in the morning?
A) LIGHT SNAKES for breakfast.

Q) What did the Gujju say to the singing prostitute?
A) You are going from BED To VERSE.

Q) Did you know that Gujarati students are going to start a
fraternity?
A) They named it Rho Beta Rho.

Q) Why did the gujjus take 50 paise when they went to watch
"GANDHI"?
A) They read Atten( 8 annas)-bourough in the credits.

Q) Why did the gujju think Gandhi was acted by a woman in
"GANDHI"?
A) They read Ben( behn) Kingsley did the acting.

Perfect Computer

Good Comeback

Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the
other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed
him
concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a
portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female
broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to
sponsor a
Boy Scout
Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you
going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing,
archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised
on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly
dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper
rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent
killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one....... are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

:D

Interview Technique

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a
position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of
questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused
himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning
to the board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions.
Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the
library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the
United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also
announced "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At
the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew
all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was
there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much
do you want it to be?"

The Ceiling Fan

Rabri Devi died and went to heaven. As she stood in front
of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall
of clocks behind him.She asked, "What are all those clocks?
" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on
Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on
your clock will move." "Oh," said Rabri, "Who's clock is
that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved
indicating that she never told a lie." "Whose clock is
that?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.The hands have only
moved twice, telling us that Abraham only told 2 lies in
his entire life." Rabri asked, "Where's my Laloo's clock?"
"Laloo"s clock is in my office",replied St.Peter, "I'm
using it as a ceiling fan." 

Question SE Answer Tak

Question : If Amitabh is called Amitabhji, Jaya is called Jayaji,
what is Abhishekh called?

Answer : Refuji.


Question : What would be the name of William Shakespear if he was
born in Hyderabad?

Answer : Wali Miya Sheikh Peer.


Question : What did Gabbar Singh say to his mother when he was born?

Answer : "Kitne aadmi they?"


Question : What do u call a sardar in a disco?

Answer : DAN-singh.

A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did for
a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman."
"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell.
Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had
said and demanded an explanation. Billy's dad said, "I'm actually a
system programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX
systems. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't
you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is
injurious to health!"

The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about
warnings, we only worry about errors."

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't
you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is
injurious to health!"

The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about
warnings, we only worry about errors." 

- "Have you heard about the object-oriennted way to become wealthy?"
- "No..."
- "Inheritance." 

Girls are Evil 

so I pushed it back in

Little Johnny came home from Catholic school with a black eye. His
father saw it and asked "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not
to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers.
We all stood up and my teacher in front of me and had her dress in the
crack of her butt. I reachd over and pulled it out. That's when she hit
me!

"Johnny", the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to
women."

Sure enough, the very next day Little Johnny came home with the other
eye black and blue. His father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Little Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in
church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us
had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next
to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she
doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

I know what you are

Little Johnny wants to do it with his teacher but she always refuses.
One day, finally he suggests "Ok how about if I gave you $1 million,
would you do it?"

The teacher, in an attempt to end it all replies a bit amused "With a
$1 million? Sure I'll do it with you."

Little Johnny: "How about for 50 bucks?"

Teacher: "Hold it there young man what do you think I am?"

Little Johnny: "I know what you are. I'm just bargaining on the price."

Ganguly

There is phone call for Ganguly, at the Dressing Room. The Team Manager picks up the call.
"Hello ! I am Ganguly's friend speaking . Can I talk to him now ?"
The Team Manager replies : "Sorry ! He has just gone in to bat . "
The caller replies "No problem . I'll hold the line ! "

Bond , James Bond

On a flight James bond was sitting next to a Telugu
guy. Telugu Guy: "Hello, May I know your name please?" James Bond: "My
name is Bond" Continuing in his inimitable style, " .....James Bond."
Then Bond asks: "And you?" Telugu Guy: " My name is Rao... Siva Rao...
Samba Siva Rao... Venkata Samba Siva Rao... Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva
Rao... Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao... Vijayawada
Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao..." Since then
when anyone asks Bond his name he simply says "James Bond"